I have always been one to try and fix things, and deeply fear I always will be.
Upset? I can fix that.
 Sad? I can fix that.
Wanting? There must be a way to fix that.
But whether it is age, wisdom, disappointment or the mix, I am beginning to live much more in my emotions. Accept them as they are, leave them be while while not letting them lead me. I love that about emotion. I love that God gave us something to color our lives, while He informs them. Though, maybe more often than not, and as we do with many things, we reverse those roles.

And on this though and ending with it. I have also learned blog posts do not have to be complete. Thoughts without being essays are OK too.

I was doing Yoga

Which is hells trendy, I am aware. But I have been meaning to get in shape again for a most of this summer, and only recently has the time to do so presented itself. And with so long since I last ran or did a crunch or didn't want to cry thinking about walking up a set of stairs, it seemed like something low-stress was the answer. Plus it is relaxing and good for my jacked-up spine. 


Phenomenal. The decision was made and at 9:30 am this morning I committed to some flexibility and tone focused Yoga I found on Hulu. 


It kicked my ass. I was all shaky and whimpering like a kicked puppy. But this is not about how weak I am, so if you were looking forward to a self-deprecating blog post from yours truly, you will just have to wait until I am feeling a little more somber than I happen to on this muggy Portland morn'.


The point is the end of the work out. Somewhere between finding my arm's "center" and sticking out my tongue with my eyes rolled into the back of my head in order to tap into my subconscious, my conviction radar started to go off. My YWAM conditioned one. I still use it from time to time, you know. 


I was reminded that I was once told that everything is spiritual, and I am not talking about Rob Bell here. I am talking about the idea that everything has a profound effect on your spiritual state either positively or negatively. Nothing is neutral and all things have an inherent bend to one extreme or the other. 


I would be lying if I said I do not still think this way. I think very much this way. But in more recent years of my life, it has been proposed to me over and over that maybe those meanings can be changed. What if I just think a lot about Jesus when I am tapping in my subconscious? What I play worship music while doing warrior pose? Honestly, I think those ideas (which I have heard not only in the context of yoga) seem like an excuse to not do the spiritual work and to not wrestle with the idea of what serving God by abstaining might mean. I mean, this isn't important enough for me to risk sinning over, or risk opening up my soul to some level of evil.


But on the swing side. Yoga is beneficial. My back feels better. My hips hurt less. Yoga is the only thing I know of that offers stretches that are going to extend me physical relief and the ability to better steward my body through mending it. And in full awareness that my pain is result of sin in the world, it seems like an equally pathetic cop out to say that I need to just accept that this is the way things are. I do not see any verses that tell me to just suck it up and deal with the results of sin, but rather a Holy Book full of encouragement to fight against sin and its results in our world. 


Maybe there is a way to engage with the good in something, the truth of it, without taking on the bad. Or maybe we do have to set our eyes on Jesus in all things and let the conviction of the Holy Spirit lead us. But I know it is more complex than just repeating Jesus name. and that this world is far too muddle up for anything but God and the Devil to be fully right or wrong.


May God's hand be over all things in my life, because nothing is as clear as it once was.